decolorante
Member
I have been registered to APUG for some time, lurking all the forums and learning huge lots of information from everyone here (thanks very much to all of you!). But I never stepped up to write something myself. I simply didn't feel qualified to give advice, and afraid to ask something already asked.
So this is the first time I write here, because the problem I have right now doesn't deal with dilutions, agitation, films, contrast control or stuff like that. It deals with my mind. I hope I'll find someone who was where I am now and managed to get out of it.
Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography my pictures were superior compared to those made by others at my level. I was very happy with them and showed them to my friends, published them wherever I could. I knew I had no serious skills, but it didn't matter: I was content with that. People enjoyed my pictures because they were full of emotions and meanings.
I discovered traditional photography out of scientific curiosity: the finding of an article on pinhole cameras got me started. I just couldn't believe that photographs were printed like this, "back in the days"! I got a pack of expired photo-paper for a good price from a local store, built a simple wooden camera and had fun with it.
From that to roll film, the step was short. I learned and learned, I got a Bronica, I got an enlarger, I started printing seriously. At first my prints were really bad, but it didn't matter. Like when I had my $120 consumer digicam, I was happy that I could `tell stories` with my images and people would `listen` because they actually liked what they saw. I had a theme and a message, and I made images that conveyed them.
But as I continued learning more and more, and as I became better and better at printing, I got in the awful situation where I find myself now.
My images don't talk anymore. I have no more ideas. My creativity is dead since I have been involved in the vast world of the technical bits of photography. I can't focus on content: therefore my pictures are devoid of any significance- and moreover, I am never happy with their technical quality, which is what I (wrongly) aim for.
Every roll I develop makes me wonder why I shot it in the first place. Sometimes I just freak out and unroll them in bright sunlight without even trying to process them. Every print demolishes my self-esteem to a greater extent. I am now ashamed of showing my images to friends, even if photographers that I respect have told me that I am very good and much better than before. I don't believe them. Each frame shows me that I lack in something. I am totally cursed by the will of finding the `definitive workflow` that works for me, and that will magically allow me to focus on content again. And I never manage to!
There is so much to care about! The bits here and there, that I wasn't even able to see when I first started. Oh why, why did I step into this world of technicality? Why can't I be just happy by religiously following the manufacturer's specifications? Why can't I just pick up any film the store has and be okay with it?
I don't enjoy photography anymore but I can't avoid doing it, it's like a craving. It takes up almost all my time, and my photos make no sense. I don't have a portfolio because I eventually rip and toss all my prints: I can't convince myself that they are any good. I end up frustrated and stressed day after day.
Oh, I can't believe I wrote that- but it is true. Yes, photography is a pain for me. It makes me suffer. I have the dream that someday I will be so technically good that I could embrace creativity again, and this gives me the energy to keep hitting my head on the wall again and again...
Why can't that dream just die? If it did, I could simply drop photography and pick up some other hobby. I mean, I wasn't going to be a real photographer anyway.
Sorry. I acknowledge this post is useless. But I had to tell someone, I just couldn't keep it for myself anymore.
Please forgive me.
So this is the first time I write here, because the problem I have right now doesn't deal with dilutions, agitation, films, contrast control or stuff like that. It deals with my mind. I hope I'll find someone who was where I am now and managed to get out of it.
Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography my pictures were superior compared to those made by others at my level. I was very happy with them and showed them to my friends, published them wherever I could. I knew I had no serious skills, but it didn't matter: I was content with that. People enjoyed my pictures because they were full of emotions and meanings.
I discovered traditional photography out of scientific curiosity: the finding of an article on pinhole cameras got me started. I just couldn't believe that photographs were printed like this, "back in the days"! I got a pack of expired photo-paper for a good price from a local store, built a simple wooden camera and had fun with it.
From that to roll film, the step was short. I learned and learned, I got a Bronica, I got an enlarger, I started printing seriously. At first my prints were really bad, but it didn't matter. Like when I had my $120 consumer digicam, I was happy that I could `tell stories` with my images and people would `listen` because they actually liked what they saw. I had a theme and a message, and I made images that conveyed them.
But as I continued learning more and more, and as I became better and better at printing, I got in the awful situation where I find myself now.
My images don't talk anymore. I have no more ideas. My creativity is dead since I have been involved in the vast world of the technical bits of photography. I can't focus on content: therefore my pictures are devoid of any significance- and moreover, I am never happy with their technical quality, which is what I (wrongly) aim for.
Every roll I develop makes me wonder why I shot it in the first place. Sometimes I just freak out and unroll them in bright sunlight without even trying to process them. Every print demolishes my self-esteem to a greater extent. I am now ashamed of showing my images to friends, even if photographers that I respect have told me that I am very good and much better than before. I don't believe them. Each frame shows me that I lack in something. I am totally cursed by the will of finding the `definitive workflow` that works for me, and that will magically allow me to focus on content again. And I never manage to!
There is so much to care about! The bits here and there, that I wasn't even able to see when I first started. Oh why, why did I step into this world of technicality? Why can't I be just happy by religiously following the manufacturer's specifications? Why can't I just pick up any film the store has and be okay with it?
I don't enjoy photography anymore but I can't avoid doing it, it's like a craving. It takes up almost all my time, and my photos make no sense. I don't have a portfolio because I eventually rip and toss all my prints: I can't convince myself that they are any good. I end up frustrated and stressed day after day.
Oh, I can't believe I wrote that- but it is true. Yes, photography is a pain for me. It makes me suffer. I have the dream that someday I will be so technically good that I could embrace creativity again, and this gives me the energy to keep hitting my head on the wall again and again...
Why can't that dream just die? If it did, I could simply drop photography and pick up some other hobby. I mean, I wasn't going to be a real photographer anyway.
Sorry. I acknowledge this post is useless. But I had to tell someone, I just couldn't keep it for myself anymore.
Please forgive me.