...that I introduce myself.
I knew I was special and destined for greatness from the moment of my conception, over forty years ago. In fact, while still a fetus I invented the microprocessor chip. But because of those damn Liberal Democratic Demons in office, and only because of them, I was not allowed as a fetus to patent my very brilliant invention, thereby losing out on my first billion dollars because of immoral, evil pseudo-politicians who are afraid of and intimidated by my greatness.
When I was in the fourth grade I invented a time travel machine which enabled me to go back in history and right a great many wrongs, which you in the present time can't appreciate because they now, thanks to me, haven't happened. (Someone in that dank cesspool called Hollywood stole my story for an insipid Television show a few years back, but I can't discuss that as much as I would like because of a pending lawsuit [I also hold a law degree, and several doctorates in many different fields, if I haven't mentioned that yet]. But rest assured, they will pay!) I was unfortunately prevented from doing further good, as well as receiving a patent on my machine, when that damn Ted Kennedy stole my machine and drove it in his car off a bridge. They're always out to get me!
But while in the past I was for a brief time Edward Weston's produce vendor, and brought to his attention a particular pepper. "Look, Edward," I said, "you can see the curve of a woman's buttock in this pepper." The rest as you know is photographic history, but I am not bitter about not receiving my share of the credit for this wonderful image. It did serve to interest me in photography, and now you'll be gratified to learn that in the near future I'll be putting my vast intellect, unstoppable creative juices and tremendous humility to the task of changing photography for the better, FOREVER!
By the way, I hate digital photography.
I know I am on the precipice of far greater things than any of you can imagine with your puny minds, but don't worry - I have taken a sacred vow not to rub my wonderful accomplishments in any of your vacant faces. I'm just here for the good of all, and to make my first $10,000 before the age of fifty.
So, with my beautiful and intelligent dog, and my faithful lady Ol' Shep by my side, the world is my oyster waiting to be shucked.
Now, you may welcome me. (But I would be careful about making any derogatory statements out of your understandable jealousy - did I mention my law degree?)
I knew I was special and destined for greatness from the moment of my conception, over forty years ago. In fact, while still a fetus I invented the microprocessor chip. But because of those damn Liberal Democratic Demons in office, and only because of them, I was not allowed as a fetus to patent my very brilliant invention, thereby losing out on my first billion dollars because of immoral, evil pseudo-politicians who are afraid of and intimidated by my greatness.
When I was in the fourth grade I invented a time travel machine which enabled me to go back in history and right a great many wrongs, which you in the present time can't appreciate because they now, thanks to me, haven't happened. (Someone in that dank cesspool called Hollywood stole my story for an insipid Television show a few years back, but I can't discuss that as much as I would like because of a pending lawsuit [I also hold a law degree, and several doctorates in many different fields, if I haven't mentioned that yet]. But rest assured, they will pay!) I was unfortunately prevented from doing further good, as well as receiving a patent on my machine, when that damn Ted Kennedy stole my machine and drove it in his car off a bridge. They're always out to get me!
But while in the past I was for a brief time Edward Weston's produce vendor, and brought to his attention a particular pepper. "Look, Edward," I said, "you can see the curve of a woman's buttock in this pepper." The rest as you know is photographic history, but I am not bitter about not receiving my share of the credit for this wonderful image. It did serve to interest me in photography, and now you'll be gratified to learn that in the near future I'll be putting my vast intellect, unstoppable creative juices and tremendous humility to the task of changing photography for the better, FOREVER!
By the way, I hate digital photography.
I know I am on the precipice of far greater things than any of you can imagine with your puny minds, but don't worry - I have taken a sacred vow not to rub my wonderful accomplishments in any of your vacant faces. I'm just here for the good of all, and to make my first $10,000 before the age of fifty.
So, with my beautiful and intelligent dog, and my faithful lady Ol' Shep by my side, the world is my oyster waiting to be shucked.
Now, you may welcome me. (But I would be careful about making any derogatory statements out of your understandable jealousy - did I mention my law degree?)
