Too emotionally close

I am applying for positions away from where I grew up. All of them will take me suitably far enough away from this area to make it unreasonable to visit, save one, but that would still be several hours away and not a day trip.

I have lived most of my life in North Eastern Arizona and more specifically on the eastern edge of the Navajo Nation. I have stayed for the landscape and there are times when the light can bring tears to my eyes. The thought of leaving the area I love so much is ripping me apart. But, it would have come at some time. I cannot own land here because I am not Navajo. I cannot set down roots or provide a permanent home for my family. One would think that I would have spent a lot of time photographing here and documenting that which fills my heart with joy, but I have taken it for granted and denied that I would eventually have to leave. I have been more than content to sit and watch the rocks and scrub go through their daily changes, filling my heart and head with their images. Images fade with time and the thought of not having more images to replace them bothers me.

I have begun to write a list of those things and times I want to photograph before I go. I realize that it will not be possible to capture it all. All things here depend on the seasons. The mood of the land changes as the season changes and I would have to be here for years more to capture it all.

I am only 38 but 33 of those years were spent here. I am going to have to rank these places in order of importance and decide my favorites. For me, right now, this would be akin to labeling one of my children the best and the other passable.

Who else feels this way about where they live.

I live within five hours drive of a multitude of places folks travel to from around the world to photograph. Life keeps getting in the way. Your post helps me see the need to take advantage of my good fortune.

I'm sorry you have to leave such a beautiful place, but OTO photographs are everywhere.

I go to a small island with only three homes on it , it is only an hour away from where I live, sarrounded by nothing but water and a few other islands

every time I leave this palce , sitting in the boat looking back as it gets smaller and smaller makes me feel like it is the last time I will ever see it ...


One day it may very well be.

ILYA

Mark, perhaps you won't be able to get the photographs your really want until you come back a few years later.

For me, I usually had no interest in photographing the places where I lived... until I'd moved on and then realised what was unique about the place. Just recognising a unique landscape is one thing, but later realising the difference in the soul of the place, that takes many years of [retro]perspective.

places and photos

Mark-those memories will be etched into your mind wherever you go...you will go on to new and exciting vistas if you let yourself....
Best, Peter

mark said:

I have lived most of my life in North Eastern Arizona and more specifically on the eastern edge of the Navajo Nation.

Click to expand...

Man, that's gotta be a hard place to leave.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd make sure to have a convenient, familiar-feeling camera on hand for easy use all the time, to get the stuff that you won't think of until you see it. Other than that I guess I don't have any specific practical advice.

Of course, you may find that being away from a place that's familiar gives you a new set of eyes when you come back to it, too. Good luck.

-NT

The best photographs are memories anyway.

Patrick

Hi mark,

Years ago I would sometimes haul all my 4x5 and camping gear into the mountains and wouldn't take a single photograph, because my emotional response was so strong I just knew it wouldn't get expressed on film. The most extreme example of this was when after returning from a couple weeks of hiking beaches on the Queen Charlotte Islands I tossed all the exposed negatives into the garbage, undeveloped.

Maybe you're feeling something of the same emotions, where you just know what will land on film has no hope of matching what you feel inside? I don't know when it changed for me as there was no aha! moment, but there'll be a day when you go back with enough skill to match your emotions. Just remember; the Land will always be there as it always has been, waiting for you.

Murray

Another thought came to mind. Have you shared your feelings with any Elders? They may have a perspective acquired through thousands of years of living in that place, and stories of people who have made journeys away, which may help.

Murray

Thanks for the support guys. I think Murray hit the nail on the head. I don't think it is my skill level though. I think I am too close to the situation, without a lot of chances to shoot. So, when I do get time I obviously want to make them all keepers. Hind site is 20 20 and I should have been doing this all along.

Mark I have had a similar realisation as yourself. This year I have set myself a project to produce a photo per week, so far it is going well. I did my research to find a theme I could pursue and it has given me a focus. Perhaps you need to find that theme rather than try to shoot everything and anything and be overwhelmed by the enormity of it. I hope this helps.

patrickjames said:

The best photographs are memories anyway.

Patrick

Click to expand...

very well said.
i keep thinking of il postino ...

That is a good idea Paul. That would decrease the list (Which is up to two pages single spaced) and make this project doable.

Patrick
You are right, of course, that memories are always better. The wind never ruffles the leaves during a long exposure, I never forget to reset the aperature, or double expose a sheet of film, but it is good to have a visual reminder later.

Mark, I've been thinking about your thread for a while, and have found myself a little stuck for words.

I think I have an inkling of how you feel, though wouldn't say it's the same. I have been recording my mother's house and garden, and more recently the surrounding landscape, since it really hit me that one day not so far off I will no longer have any link to this area (which I have known since my middle-childhood).

At first I started taking photos in a kind of panic, literally I could feel my heart beating faster as I tried to get the shots I wanted - while they were there; I could only do this on visits, as I live a three-hour car journey away. In the end I found I have had more time than I originally thought I would, (though it is the unpredictable nature of the amount of time left that can be stressful).

I found it much easier on myself when I learnt to slow down a bit - that a photograph is only a photograph - and if I managed just one that I was truly happy with it would hold all the other 'potential' photos, and stories, and all the memories, within it.

mark,

Spring is still young and the sun angle remains such as to produce fine lines and sharp contrasts.

Spend little time here reading replies to your thread, and much time out there recording your vision before you depart.

Then, yes, go travel about - there is a whole world out there for you to discover.

In the end, you may well find the tug to revisit to The Navajo Nation lands becomes a command to do so. And when that happens, you will respond as you must. But always keep in mind that the canyons and mesas will last, if not for eternity, at the least for much more than your lifetime a millions time over. They will always be there waiting for you.

I have a feeling that the Navajo Elders would agree with me in this: You can't "own land". You merely rent it for a while. The land was there a long time before us, and will be there for a long time after we're gone. The best we can aspire to is to leave it in a state fit for our decendants to enjoy as much as we do.