self criticism, self doubt, and the ever elusive pursuit of meaning....

thats a great point alex. and I will make a note of doing that.
its wonderful to read all these thought and opinions. some I agree with some I dont..... but all are wonderful to hear.
its a strange feeling to have something in your life that equates to breathing.... a neccesity something that is needed to truly live, to truly exist. I have these things and photography in particular is a major dominating one.... but it is strange to be surrounded by people that dont understand or find it odd or out of place.... its an interesting thing to try and explain to them this neccesity to people..... I usually get frustrated and just wish to leave the conversation because of a lack of desire to explain or rationalize it to them etc. I have many an interaction with individuals such as this on what seems like a daily basis....
ahh the joys of introverts and the pursuits that we embrace.
ironically..... my photography has created an extroverted individual that comes out when I have my Kodak Retina around my neck and am walking around the city..... I talk to strangers and inquire about who they are in hopes that I can understand and perhaps even capture "them" on film.
that was a bit of a diversion from the given theme..... but merely a thought verbalized.

The kid in the water had a curiosity for what you were doing. So curious he was he paddled all the way to where you were and had a conversation with you and asked a lot of questions until he was satisfied. "The he asked Why do you do it if you are not making money at it"

OHH well. It is the most popular sickness of the western hemisphere. We don't know it is s sickness because we were brought up that way. I can hear the voice of my Dad saying to me that very same thing. In other words what is being said is "You are a fool to be in waist deep water if you are not making money" So you ask yourself Why I am I doing it? Why am I doing it?

That is the question you need to answer in a true way. Until then your self doubt will be always present. This may sound silly but it is not. Self doubt arises from unasked and unanswered questions. So my suggestion is that you really try to answer that question. It will not be in one installment but in many installments. Everytime you go out to make photographs make sure you want know why you are doing it. In time you will know so strongly the question of why am I doing it will be a thing of the past.

Two books that are great to read and that have helped me a lot:

_Art and Fear, Observations On The Perils (and Rewards) of ART MAKING
_Trust the process, An Artist's Guide to Letting Go

Art & Fear truly is a great book. My copy is highlighted and underlined all over.

Scooter, I also feel the extrovert come out when I have a camera in my hands; sometimes out of necessity (for the shot), sometimes out of true curiosity for the person on the other side of the lens. It might take me a couple of rolls to warm up when I'm out shooting, but dang it, by the seventh roll I'll be the most talkative guy around.

Actually, talkative is not the word, since most of the time I just listen to people talk about themselves, their lives, dreams and hopes. It's really something when complete strangers open up to and allow you to photograph the moment. I shot a couple of rolls of an old lady (who reminded me of someone very close to me) who laughed, cried, and everything in between while she told me her life's story. I'll try to print those shots tomorrow and post them soon (not that anyone asked, see previous post

Sorry for going off topic, and thanks for letting me rant all over this thread.

andre, I like the off topic comments. They seem fitting. heh.
similiar to your story I had an experience with an old homeless black man here in downtown austin. I spent nearly a good hour with him talking and taking shots. we drank a cup of coffee talked about his time in the military during vietnam (he was in the 82nd same as my father ironically) he talked about his kids and how they are successful, about how he doesnt talk to them.... but here about them through his Ex Wife. It was such an interesting experience and now those particular photos evoke that memory..... and more importantly I feel like the photos capture that comfort he felt in talking to me.... that welcomeness etc.
I posted one of the shots in the standard gallery.....
(there was a url link here which no longer exists)

juan said:

Welcome to APUG anyte. You must be growing - I certainly feel like that just as I'm about to do better.
juan

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Thank you. That's a very nice thought, one I'll try to keep in mind. You think once you've reached adulthood you never have to experience growing pains again but I guess that isn't so.

Firstly Welcome Anyte, I'm sure your make many friends and have a wonderful learning experience here

Re-reading this thread and the additional postings since I last visited a thought (rare I know) occurred to me. When I use to run 10K and 10 mile road races for fun, no-one asked me if I was an athlete (not that I ran that fast); when I go fell walking no-one asks if I'm an explorer, etc. etc. So why the heck does everyone ask me if I'm a pro-photographer if I go out with a camera?

One thing I forgot to add on my last post is that I would take photographs (and do) even when not getting paid for it. I agree that once we pick up that camera, we almost become a different person, full of confidence, talking to strangers and getting into locations that we probably would not dare without that box in our hand

Scootermm,
Yes, thanks. I have some thots on your words. I love the title of your post and your honesty. Self-criticism, self-doubt, and the pursuit of meaning, as you put it, pretty much some up my own condition. I have no real answers, I gravitate (as you seem to) toward the questions which have no answers, and I constantly ask, "Why?" Like you, the time I spend shooting, or working on a photographic project serves to give me a kind of respite from the daily hum-drum of my life. (I have begun to "work" at allowing the frame of mind I enjoy during photographic pursuit to be carried into my regular, gainful employment. (It's the frame of mind, not the work per se, for me, I think.) It is an irony to me that most of my time is spent doing the necessary, needful, daily living kinds of things. When I'm doing photographic things (a much smaller percentage of the time) I feel like I am handling the real stuff of life. And yet, at one level, it makes no sense to pursue this in that it pays no tangible rewards (as your young friend alluded to). I have come to accept that, for me, life's most meaningful moments can happen during the oddest times. Such as when I'm lying on my belly in the grass, say, photographing minute life. You referred to your own "waxing philosophical." Socrates was to have said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." Your photography and painting sound like a wonderful combination of gifts. My photographic work (minimal by some standards) is very necessary to me also. It's "purpose," if I may call it that (and this is very personal and subjective), is to keep me moving forward. That word, "forward," implies to me heading in a direction toward more and greater truth. I don't know where I am headed, or why, or how to get "there." I only know that I must go "there." I have to follow the (my own) path. Yet the path is pathless. Because the idea of path means to me something that can be discerned and is relatively clear. My own "path" is not clear and I don't really "see" it. The closest I can come is to respond to a part within me that, kind of, urges me on. It has been my experience that the further "onward" I travel on this "path," the more I am forced to confront who I am - the person who photographs, thinks much about ideas that are meaningless to most others. Others tend to either tolerate or criticize me. I think this is probably because to be authentically human (which is what I think I am unconsciously aspiring to, and without self-congratulation) is frightening to persons who only know life from the perspective of living it from the position of a false self. I do not judge them as persons. Your words, "It's a confusing dilemma," ring very true. I think truth, and genuineness are confusing, and do seem to place you and me in a kind of dilemma. I wonder if it feels confusing and dilemma-like because that is what leaving a false self and beginning to touch on what is true is naturally like. I wonder, do the confusion and the feeling of being stuck in a dilemma signal the beginning of a more authentically-lived, honest life. This, at least, explains for me the function of organized religious gathering. Marx was to have said that "religion is the opiate of the masses." Is a photographer, say, who has never set foot inside a church, but who spends his life striving to gain the recognition and accolades of his peers, also succumbing to the opium that insulates him from the fearful place of true self? I don't know. What do you think?

mrcallow said:

It is far better to be poor and happy, living your dream than rich and dissatisfied.

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I learned this a long time ago from a very good friend.

I have also come to understand that the 'why?' doesn't matter. I do it, thats why! Sure I doubt myself and my work from time to time. Thats when I work a little harder.