I make it abundantly clear that I shoot it my way (or, since I met Frances Schultz 26 years ago, that we shoot in our way) and that if they want it done their way (or indeed your way), they can damn' well hire a photographer.
I tell the same, too. My friends may be different, but I don't find that has any influence over their decisions. Most of my friends want to make their wedding differently from the rest of the world, although none of them took my advice to get married on a pirate ship on the public sea. So far the most strange request was to shoot in a middle of a forest (but then it got changed to a local arboratum because the bride's grandparents can't climb up the mountain).
I completely disagree with your views about professionalism: if they're friends, they know me, and they know full well that I don't do suits. Likewise I disagree about your choice of cameras and focal lengths (we use rangefinder and fast 35, 50 and 75 or 90mm), film (Delta 3200 works wonders for many shots), flash (can't abide the stuff), tripods (never use 'em any more) and the interminable shot list.
I agree with this as well, for the most part. I get hot and sweat very easily, and so there is no way to wear anything formal when I'm shooting anytime except December to February. I'm actually thinking about wearing a dark colored dryfit shirt next time.
I've found lenses from 17mm to 100mm useful in wedding, but I don't do it any differently from my usual shooting style. For 35mm format, 24mm, 35mm and 85mm are my favorites. But in reality I shoot 6x6 in Mamiya rangefinder, and I have two bodies, one with 50mm and another 75mm ready, and 150mm in a camera case. Also, a quiet lens shutter camera with fast lens, such as Konica Hexar AF loaded with Delta 3200 or TMZ is very useful during ceremony, although I don't like to use these high speed films exclusively. You could also include other funky things like Ektachrome films cross processed, infrared film, toy camera, etc. People love this kind of crazy things. (Keep the system very simple for the ceremony and group shots but you can try other things when the stress level is low.)
I don't find a tripod to be useful in wedding at all, except for the group shot, when it's kinda handy to have a platform to put the camera down when you arrange people and tell them to fix their expression, etc. If you want to shoot groups on a tripod, get a good grip ball head with quick release. Other heads are too slow operating. However, a good simple monopod can be very handy during ceremony. I don't like lenses longer than 100mm (35mm format), and I find the image stabilizer on Canon 24-105mm f/4 USM IS L to be very useful.
I think it's good to be ready to shoot with available light, but in most cases I've seen, all the guests take their digital cameras out of their pocket and raise them very high above their head to take pictures in the dark church... and they of course fire the flash. Many cameras give off the nasty fake shutter noise as well. When you see people doing this, there is little point to refrain from using your flash.
For flash, I use Sunpak 120 above the camera lens as my main flash. Sometimes in barebulb, but other times witht he reflector. It makes beautiful shadow that most other portable flash units don't. (Or you could use a Norman or Quantum flash with similar reflector.) I find it most useful to have a few slave units (I use Sunpak 383 super) ready. I sometimes use them to add rim/hair light from the back, sometimes use them to brighten the room, etc. When you use the slaves outside a closed room, you don't have control of other people using their digicam so radio slave is kinda must.
Another thing is camera case. Ideally, everything should fit in a single case, but tripod and monopod are exceptions. I use a large Pelican case. This is very useful sometimes, because 3-4 girls can sit on it when they need a break. Ideally, the main system on the bracket should fit in the case without disassembly. But I haven't been doing that, as I don't shoot often enough to make such a perfect setup.
I also agree with Roger that not all of the usual professionalism is required. You should assume that the couple expects the quality of work to meet or exceed that of most commercial wedding photogs, but the shooting style doesn't have to be. There are a lot of pictures only a friend photographer can take, and those can more than make up for not wearing a tux or getting drunk with the couple at the end of the night.
, the groom is a DJ. I tried to talk her out of it, but she insisted that she did not want a traditional wedding shoot. She hired a photographer to do some portraits prior to the ceremony, and she asked me to just shoot what I wanted - that she wanted something more artistic and original for the day itself.
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