If you really wanted to bring out her danging lock of hair you should have focused on that. But, in anyway, I love the composition and pose. The mouth for me gives all the feeling and the half seen eye balances the mood better, as a straight seen eye would be too much and so would it be if you had cropped it out.
I used Bronica GS-1 with a 120mm macro lens. I shoot with Tri-X 320 film (don't ask me why Kodax has the 220 film set at 320 vs. 400). I was using hotlights vs. strobe. We were trying to isolate the strand of hair in front of the girl's neck, but it doesn't stand out as much as I would have liked. Someone suggested narrowing the depth of field to just isolate the hair, which I tried but not as successfully as I wished. I hope that helps! Thanks for your comments.
John