For me it's an interesting attempt but doesn't quite work. The man on the left bothers me, so I'd have raised the camera angle a bit. Overall I think it's just a learning experience, and I'd try it again a few more times, without quite so long a times exposure. I'd like more of a relationship with the couple at the end with them being more visible, but I like the ethereal bartender, who metaphorically is sort of there and not there, in their relationship. Personally I'd control the shoot more and freeze the couple staring at each other and then time expose the bartender, making him a lot like he is here.