Anima Animus - Jay

Jay's Statement

My name is Jay, I’m 34 and I’m originally from South Africa. I’ve been living in London for 11 years.
I identify as genderqueer or androgynous although I tend to lean to masculine of centre. Pronouns don’t bother me at all. I don’t mind being referred to as “she”. My partner refers to me as her girlfriend and uses female pronouns and I am very comfortable with that. However, it also makes me feel good when people refer to me as “mate” or “buddy” or when they use gender neutral pronouns for me. Because I wear very androgynous and or masculine clothes and I wear my hair in a boyish cut strangers often mistake me for a man and call me “Sir”, which I enjoy. However, I despise being referred to as “Ma’am” or “Madam”.
My gender identity falls under the trans* umbrella but I am not ftm (female to male transsexual). I don’t need to be physically male and I like my body as it is. I simply don’t identify as a woman. I don’t feel comfortable in women’s clothes or in female specific roles. A female friend recently commented that I am a real gentleman and I was thrilled.
As I child I was a stereotypical tomboy. I wore boys clothes, insisted on having my hair short and played with action figures and toy guns. When my breasts started to grow I was devastated because I could no longer run around without a shirt and I had to start wearing a bra. With the exception of one or two close female friends, all my friends were boys, I generally wore what they wore and did everything the boys did. I remember my female friends trying to convince me to try wearing dresses and makeup and I just laughed! As a little kid my poor mother could never get me to wear anything frilly or too girly.
When I was in my early twenties I went through a very femme period when I tried really hard to be a “girly girl”. I hated having my hair long and wearing feminine clothing but I thought that’s what was expected from me because I was female bodied. I tried to fit into the gender-normative heterosexual stereotype by getting married and being a homemaker. To make a long story short, I got divorced, met my girlfriend, came out to my friends and family as queer and cut my hair short again. My girlfriend encouraged me to throw away the dresses and makeup and took me shopping. Now I have a wardrobe that reflects who I am and not who I think people want me to be. Being able to wear clothes from the men’s section has made me feel much more positive and comfortable with who I am.
I recently changed my name from my very feminine birth name to a gender neutral one. This has made a big impact on my life. I feel happier and more confident with a name that reflects my gender identity. All my friends have been incredibly supportive and everyone has mentioned that Jay suits me much better than my birth name. Unfortunately I have not told my parents. My parents had a hard time accepting that I am gay and I have not explained to them that I am also trans*. My mother’s health is very poor and I think that telling them that I’ve changed my name will put too much strain on her.
I think that there should be more education in schools about gender identity. It is difficult to change older people’s perceptions. However, I think that if you create more awareness in the younger generations children will grow up realising that not everyone fits into the gender normative heterosexual stereotype and not everybody is the same when it comes to being a girl or a boy. If you can start educating children from an early age the next generation might be more accepting. In the future trans and genderqueer kids may be able to live the life they want to live rather than trying to live in the gender role assigned to them at birth.